Merry Christmas!!

Christmas time. It’s when I think about the knotted lights and smell of the gaudy blue garland in our decorations growing up. How I would never decorate my tree the same but I would never want that memory scratched out.

I remember the year my dad and brother constructed a giant star out of rebar and fashioned it with lights to the top of our house.  I remember my Grandpa’s fudge and how I would discreetly discard the spit out raisins on the side of the plate. I also discovered my Aunt discreetly eating the “extra” raisins. But I’m not supposed to tell that story hehehe.

How the big get togethers may involve your favourite aunt and your sister you miss so much. Your brother who will likely call you turd and that stack of fresh buns a favourite lady makes.

There will be awkward silences when you will stuff your face with a piece of mystery meat and limp pickle just to get by. There will be no toilet paper and headaches and laughter. Someone will smell like garlic. They will sit by you. There will be looks across the room that say “start the car”.

Someone will get into the wine and start snorting when they laugh. Somebody’s fly will be open. Someone else will stack their plate as though it was their last meal and another will skip all gluten and talk to you about removing it from your son’s diet.

I am too warm, my face is red and I’m wondering how long I could hide somewhere on my own without anyone noticing. Someone is sick and has successfully passed it to you.

There will be drives home and sleigh spotting.  Maybe your Dad will let you “drive”.  Maybe your mom will sing “Silver Bells”. Maybe you are the mom and wonder how you got here?  Who are these people??  🙂 There will be forgotten toys, forgotten names and leftovers. You will plan to get together more often while thinking up ways to get out of it.  You will go over conversations and comments and wish you had loaded your pocket with homemade poppycock.  You will find a clearance tag sticking out of you clearance top and wonder if anyone saw it. They did. And you are now part of their funny stories.  Good. Get a laugh-be a laugh. It’s Christmas.

A Speech about No Speech…

Max will be 5 very soon.  He has no words.  He has never said Mommy.  He has never said I love you.  I know he shows me,  I’m the first one to rave about the many ways he does.  He’s my lil guy, my angel…I love him bigger than the universe…bigger than time…and my lil guy doesn’t speak.

When he was 2 my husband started saying “Maybe he’s mute”.  I was SO horrified at the thought of this.  But 3 years later he still doesn’t speak.  We had a beautiful SLP before getting him into Pre-k.  She did great work with him.  We didn’t get to see her very often as they have so many lil ones to manage and so little time.  Again a wonderful SLP in the school system but she had so many kids on her list and so little time.  We moved in August.  We have a great place to take our son and have been waiting for an SLP to start working with him there.  It hasn’t worked out and now I am desperately phoning people on a list sounding like a pathetic begging fool to please meet us.  PLEASE WORK WITH MY SON…what I don’t say is please be dedicated, loving, patient, kind, and have a spark with Max.  But this is what I want.  I want someone amazing…I want someone who LOVES him …who sees him…who can challenge him in a safe, loving way…who has experience and time and integrity.  PLEASE WORLD let me find this miracle worker….I just want to hear “Hi Mommy, I love you”  I want to hear what his favourite colour is.  I want to know why he loves Slimfast bars so much.  I want to understand his love for Gordon Mr Engine #4.  I want to ask him how his day at school was and help him with stuff that is bothering him.  I don’t know how his day was other than a few things they tell me.  They.  I want to know what HE has to say…what he loves and hates and wishes.  What do you wish my sweet boy?  If I could have anything for Christmas this year I would like to know that my son will start working with someone he loves in the New Year.  That they will devote a regular space for him to work on his speech.  That he will enjoy it.  Work at it.  And do his best as he does with everything he’s ever faced.  How can our non-verbal son be almost 5 and not have an SLP?  Why didn’t I get us on every waiting list I could when I moved?  I feel so sad and disappointed in my naive hope that everything would just happen.  If I can pass on any good advice here it would be to get things set for your kids.  Be in control.  Don’t assume.  Things won’t always work and you need backup plans in place because EVERY single service and therapy takes time.  You need to look ahead and call ahead and ask questions and keep on top of things.

My son will speak one day.  Even if it’s using an iPad.  However he will be able, he will tell me he loves me and I will wait.  I just don’t want to be the reason he waits.